Dear Body,

I am in a much different, much better place than when I last wrote to you.  I still consider my eyes "distorted, conniving lenses".  That's never going to change.  Just because I am in recovery doesn't mean I'm going to like you.  It means I'm going to learn how to look at you in different, more positive ways.  Rather than seeing you as a flaw that needs countless fixing, I see you as a thing that moves me and enables me to accomplish tasks.  At least, I'm working on it.

I'm learning how to be comfortable in you.  I stop to appreciate the warm smell of books.  I listen to songs that are soothing to my insides.  I mindfully enjoy my dogs' kisses.  I enjoy the taste of sugary things without feeling like I've lost total control.  My arms don't feel weak anymore when I brush my teeth.  I can walk up flights of stairs without getting chest pains.  I don't get fainting spells anymore.

Like I said, I'm probably not going to like you, but I can like what you allow me to do.  So often, I wish I could regain the space between my thighs.  I wish my thighs were the size of my calves, but I am thankful that they allow me to walk long distances without getting weak.  I wish my arms didn't look so gelatinous, but that means I can hold my dogs for much longer.  I wish my belly didn't protrude so much, but that means there's more to protect what's inside it.

Even though I acknowledge, logically, what you can do for me when properly nourished, I have been slowly tip-toeing back to my old ways.  However, I know that I will be OK because "recovery is a process, not a destination."  Sometimes, my mind gets the best of me and I don't make pro-recovery choices and it's scary how instantaneously a switch can turn on/off in my brain to get caught up in a behavior.  Honestly, I can not envision a life where I don't count calories or not feel like a complete and utter failure when I grab seconds at a Thanksgiving dinner.  I can't imagine myself eating out at a restaurant and just ordering whatever sounds good at the moment, instead of choosing the least-caloric meal on the menu.  I can't conceptualize giving up my measuring tools, and I definitely can not visualize a life where I don't weigh myself.  I wish I could be like those who eat whenever and whatever they want without worrying about their weight.

I have betrayed and deserted you for 11 years, so I understand that it will take a while to earn your trust back.  But I will not give up just like how you did not give up on me.


Sincerely,
Liz