..........

"The tendency toward excess veered out of control into bulimia, that state of fear and desire, that violent crashing back and forth between hunger and the abortion of hunger, between taking in and throwing back what is most needed and instinctively desired: food...Fearing the constant thunder in the mind that bulimia brings, I turned toward the silence of anorexia.  Afraid of the explicit passions of bulimia, I sought out what I mistook for the passionless state of starvation."  (Marya Hornbacher, Wasted. Pg. 94)

I don't know what happened.  I was doing so well when I was in treatment, but gradually, I've been having behaviors.  Frequent behaviors.  I've been restricting, binging, purging, body checking, compulsively exercising, negative self-talking.  I met with a therapist for the first time in a long time, and for lack of a better word, it was depressing.

Therapist: You think you're defected.  You think no one can help you.
Me: Well, yea.  I do think I'm defected.  I've had therapists tell me that they can't help me.  
T: You know, you might be recreating the situation for yourself.
M: If I am aware of that possibility, why would I let that happen.  Why would I let myself recreate the situation.  I don't like being like this.  I want to be helped.

T: Why are you here [in therapy]?
M: I want to want to get better.
T: That has to come from you.
M: [DUH] I know.  I guess, I just wanted to be able to talk to somebody without judgment, with no strings attached.

T:  Can I be completely honest with you?
T: You are so far from being connected with your body, you are so far from being in touch with yourself.  
M: ......
T: It is unethical for me to see you every week and try to help you while I watch you self-destruct.
M: ......
T: Have you considered going back to treatment?
.........
T: Do you want me to refer you to another therapist?


So what does this mean.  I want to go to support groups so badly, but they take place during my work hours.  I desperately want to meet with my dietitian, but she takes appointments only during my work hours.  I can't afford to lose out on a whole day's worth of pay, so my only choice is to wait until school is on winter vacation.  But even when I do meet with my dietitian or go to a support group, what will I gain from it?  What more insight do I need?  Insight doesn't get you anywhere; It's the actions that make the difference.  But if I have the insight on how to recover, know what actions to take in order to recover, but still desire to engage in behaviors to reach my goal of getting thinner, what can I possibly gain from therapy?  Will I ever get better?  Yes, I do think I'm defected.  And I sound pathetic and like a complete self-loathing crybaby, but I honestly can not see myself living a "normal" life, let alone having the mentality of a non-eating-disordered person.

I can't imagine myself looking at my meal without seeing numbers.  Counting calories is so second-nature to me, I can not imagine shutting off that part of my brain.  I know how many calories my meal plan calls for, and if I go over that number, even by the tiniest bit, my fear of gaining weight would outweigh all other rational thought.

This blog doesn't reach many people, but to those that it does, any thoughts??  Suggestions?? Anyone there??
ANYbody??