"Like an Ancient Bruise"

So my boyfriend's out of town for the week and I've decided to stay at my parents' to keep me "safe" and make it inconvenient for me to act out.  It's only my 3rd day here and I'm having anxiety attacks.

The climate here is better than it used to be.  There are more conversations going on and just an overall sense of calm.  Re-connecting with my family and being in this physically close space is increasing my awareness of the fleetingness of life.  Everything is fleeting and that frightens me.  Like me being at my parents'.  I'm going back to my apartment in a week.  I know, I know, I can visit my family whenever I want; but I won't be living here anymore.  I won't be sleeping or waking up here or eating the food here.  And I moved out so abruptly, without a word.  My parents weren't even aware of or prepared for it.  And my dogs.  Yooni's old (she's 7) and Tori won't stay energetic and playful forever.  They're going to die eventually and that scares me.  It almost makes me regret having bought them to begin with.  Similarly, I'm not always going to have my family.  That saddens me. I don't want to miss out on anything.  I feel like I've been absent in their life for so long and now's my chance to be ever present.  Binge on life.  Sounds good and well but it will undoubtedly dig myself deeper into depression and self-neglect.  I feel stuck and frightened.  I feel like I'm drowning in guilt and anxiety and there is no life raft in sight.

Maybe this is what I need.   I don't know if that'll be unhealthy though...it is motivation to try my best in recovery, but what if I get too carried away by these fears that I just become a ridiculously anxious wreck?  That's totally possible.  What if I become overly cautious and care about things TOO much?  What if I appreciate life TOO much that my biggest fear becomes death?  I have so many regrets and worries about the future.  I wish I could just accept everything the way they are but it's so damn difficult.  And the more I think about it, the more it freaks me out.

I want my family to be healthy and happy.
I want to feel secure.
I need to relax.  

But then again, maybe it's good that I'm accessing these feelings and allowing it to change my perspective on life.  I still believe that the things we do are ultimately pointless because we're all going to die; but now, I want to do things more deliberately and purposefully.  Spending time with my dogs and my family has opened my eyes to the preciousness of life and the sacredness of connection.  These fears are the same ones I had when I was a little girl - fear of my death and the death of my family.  I remember looking out the window at the night sky hoping a meteor wouldn't come crashing down and obliterating everything.  The fear that I wouldn't have enough time to get the best things out of life.  The fear that sleep will somehow eradicate all the good things - that it will be the end of everything, that nothing and no one will be left behind.

For the past several years, these emotions have catapulted me into a deep depression.  Using imminent death as a reason to be selfish and act out on all my urges. Using "having not enough time" to do whatever the fuck I wanted without thinking of the impact it might have on others, especially on my family.  Now I feel overly cautious.  What if this sends me into a whole new world of depression and anxiety?

I don't want my anxiety and guilt to be my motivations.  First, it was the guilt I felt towards my boyfriend.  All the time and money he spent on getting me in to treatment - not to mention the emotional costs.  Now I have another layer of guilt and pressure...to not have a negative impact on my family for as long as they're alive.  I don't want them to experience hardship because of me or anything else.  I've already done a lot of damage and them knowing that I'm in treatment is burdensome and shameful enough.  I want to protect them and their emotions.  That's what led me to self-neglect in the first place but...I don't know.  Is that something wrong?  Caring about their emotions?  I guess I'm taking it to a different level, of controlling situations surrounding the emotions.

The nonchalance and indifference I've had towards life have shifted to feelings of extreme remorse for all my past fuck-ups and unbearable anxiety of ensuring security for the future.  I feel like all these feelings and thoughts have been buried deep inside me for so long by tons of anger and resentment.  And spending time here has dulled my sharp, heavy edges and allowed my guards to lift.  Times like these, I wish I were religious.  A religion to soothe my anxiety and fear of the unknown, a prayer that can lift my regrets and bring me a sense of peace and oneness.  A reliable figure/force/whatever I can depend on to make things all work out for the best...for all the pieces to fall in to place.


Does anyone read this?
Hello? Is anyone there? Help!