Today's my 99th day in sobriety and abstinence from my eating disorder. It surprises me every day knowing how long it's been. This is the longest I've ever gone without acting out on my urges. I think I broke the record after 14 days. I mean, I sometimes do compulsively exercise but I'm not counting that. Abstinence is fucking hard. Everyone talks about the positive outcomes of recovering from addictions, but no one ever talks about how difficult and painstaking it is to discover yourself and to actually deal with the emotions you've been numbing yourself of for so long. When I was not sober - which was all the time - I was outgoing, seemingly confident, spontaneous and well-spoken. I was known as the fun, light-hearted, happy girl. That was my identity. That was all I knew. My low self-esteem was heavily masked by substance-use. Now that I'm no longer relying on my addictions to tolerate myself and life, it is no surprise that my self-esteem has seemingly decreased. In reality, it hasn't. The main things treatment did was leave me with stronger anxiety and behavior-free. But that's expected.
I only know the non-sober Liz. I don't know how I am otherwise, and I feel nothing but anxiety, embarrassment, and nervousness. I feel dull and confused. I feel like a newborn - learning everything from scratch. It would be much easier if this affects only me, but it doesn't. My boyfriend who has been around since pre-treatment and has seen my self-destruction at its worst, is seeing noticeable changes in my persona. It hurts and scares me to hear him reminisce about how "playful" and "flirty" I used to be. I don't want to go back to my old ways but I fantasize about it when I think of how much more attracted to me he was then. I've deserted and neglected myself for so long and I'm finally becoming aware of myself without my addictions, and so far, I've only found shortcomings. It's like trying to restart a car that has been buried under junk in the garage for years: tedious and unpleasant. We're almost 10 months into our relationship and I feel like he and I are finally getting to know me. The work that needs to be done seems daunting. I'm infinitely grateful for having his love and patience throughout my ongoing transformation but I can't help but feel guilt, shame, and helplessness. I'm so exhausted and frustrated with myself. I know this is going to be a ridiculously long and arduous process, but I just want this self-discovery shit to be overwith already.
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