Try Harder

I'm having a hard time... I'm hesitant about sharing in group.  Everything that comes out of my mouth is dark. I am being authentic but I feel like it's not getting me anywhere.  I'm not trying to be difficult; I just can't say positive, hopeful things at this point in my recovery.  It's my recovery.  The more I'm honest and authentic in groups, the more I'll get out of them.  I'm sick of writing what I think sounds like a "good answer".  I need to be blatantly, painfully ME.  I need to not care about how that will affect other patients.  They're being honest and so should I.  Just because I'm not at the same place as them, motivation-wise, doesn't mean I have to keep to myself.

No matter how hard I do this, I catch myself being the "perfect patient" too often.  I'm a great liar and actress: perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect employee, perfect patient.  I haven't gotten anything out of it.  No wonder it's difficult for me to see value in relationships.  No wonder I'm so uncomfortable in my skin - I don't know who the fuck I am.  And the patients in treatment are my guinea pigs.  It's difficult to find the balance between passive and aggressive.  I'm always either a people-pleaser trying to avoid conflict at all costs, or a major bitch who is irritable and pessimistic.  I'm tired of it.  But then it comes down to my philosophy in life: "Why stress out about anything if I'm going to die anyway?"  Why do I care to find a balanced state of being?  Why do I care to be a people-pleaser when I, along with those I please, are going to die anyway?  It's hard for me to find motivation because this thing called death is, and always will be, imminent.  And no one's going to remember anything or anyone.  No one will remember their greatest accomplishments or the pain of their loved ones.

But I want to believe in the goodness of relationships.  I want intrinsic motivation.  I want to stop looking at the world through these pessimistic-existential-crisis lenses.  It's exhausting for me and everyone I deal with, especially for those in therapy.  And this is when I have to remind myself again that I must be authentic to make progress in treatment.  But I'm sick and tired of being negative.  I feel like the outsider among these patients.  They all seem to be gung-ho about recovery.  They all seem to have life figured out, except for the eating disorder part.  They're good at socializing unlike me who either stays silent or force myself to talk, causing extreme anxiety.  I don't understand how these people can seemingly be so comfortable with themselves.  They laugh, share stories, exchange numbers, while I sit in my seat freaking out hoping the conversation will not be directed towards me.  When I do honestly share my thoughts, I feel like I'm interrupting the positive flow of the rest of the group.  I feel like the therapist has to pause whatever's going on in order to give suggestions that are only catered to me.  And then I think to myself, "I should have stayed longer in residential treatment" or "Maybe this eating disorder is a lesser problem than I thought.  Maybe I just need to focus solely on self-care and motivation".

I feel helpless.  I've been patient with myself about this since I entered treatment because that's the most I can do.  10 years of struggling isn't going to be treated in just a few months.  A lifetime of self-loathing and non-motivation isn't going to be reversed anytime soon.  But I'm doing my best.  I really am.  This is frustrating.  Remember to breathe and take it one day at a time.