Blackberry Jelly and Cottage Cheese

I consider myself a very easy-going person, maybe too much so.  I don't see the use in dwelling on things I'm not happy with because I'll just drive myself crazy.  The world's a fucked up place and I can't always have things go my way.  But I constantly catch myself wishing and hoping things were different.  Those two contradict each other... I have high expectations about situations that very directly effect me.  When I'm on the bus, I wish I had a good book to read.  When I'm waiting at the bus stop, I wish I'd brought an extra sweater.  When I'm in group, I wish I had worn sweat pants and I hope I can wear a T-shirt out in public like the other girls some day.  During meals, I wish for the time to pass so I don't have to sit there awkwardly.  In bed, I hope to not have nightmares or wake up a million times in the middle of the night.  When I'm in individual therapy, I wish I knew how to fill the 45-minute session.  When I visit my mom on weekends, I hope she doesn't comment on my body.  I wish she would eat.  In AA meetings, I wish there weren't so much talk about a "Higher Power".  Walking down Hollywood Blvd., I wish I weren't an alcoholic.  I'm dissatisfied with so many things, it keeps me from living in the moment.  I got my "Carpe Diem" tattoo back when I was deep in my ED and using heavily.  I thought I was seizing the day by enjoying being fucked up every chance I had.  But looking back, I realize I was just wishing to run away from reality and lose all sense of civility.  I dwell in the past and trip about the future, so I forget about the present.  I've missed out on so much of life these past 10 years, and being abstinent hasn't changed much of that.  I want to put a stop to my unquenchable yearning for contentment and let go of my need to control situations and their outcomes.  According to AA, that's what a "sane" life looks like.  "Sane" sounds boring so I'm replacing that with "normal", "structured", "non-chaotic".  I want to come to terms with who and where I am, and learn to accept the cards I've been dealt.  I mean, I'll still bitch and whine; I just won't get stuck on the bitching and whining.  Because that's exhausting, annoying, and pointless.  I'll be able to find ways to live productively.  I don't want to grow up to be a bitter, cringing old lady.  I want to be a sassy one with good taste in music and perhaps a pair of blue Crocs and a purple cane.