Distraction

This is to distract me from the voice in my head. Too many triggers, not enough self control. I feel like Ed has taken over all of me and seeped into every cell of my being. I am so hungry but it's probably emotional, not physical, hunger. I can't binge until my parents leave and I've been fantasizing about it since yesterday.  It's 3:20 and all I ate was about .5oz of beef and 1 babybel light cheese.  I shouldn't binge. I know I shouldn't but it's that rush of euphoria I get after a purge that is so hard to stay away from. I could read for class, I could play piano or ukelele, I could do laundry, I could do anything but bp. But it's so damn hard. So I'm distracting myself now.  Pretty funny because binging and purging is what my true distraction is. I want to go to the movies. I want to go to the beach. A mountain. A cemetery. Anywhere. Alone. But the money I spend there could be money I use for food.  Fuck. How pathetic. My mind and thoughts are everywhere and I feel like I'm bouncing off walls and I'm not even manic. Fuck, shit, balls.

My fibro is flared up pretty badly which usually happens after a night of drinking like a fish. I can't remember the last time I drank and didn't black out. Last week, I went to a bar by myself and the next thing I know, I woke up at a stranger's apartment. Fortunately, nothing happened as far as sexual shit and he didn't even steal anything. Apparently I passed out on the sidewalk on the way home, and he carried me to his place. It's so crazy because I remember leaving the bar.  I really didn't think I was that drunk, and somewhere along the way on my way home, my brain decided to say, "Hey, I'm gonna check out now.  Peace." I guess that's what happens after 17 shots. It also makes you stay drunk all of the next day and most of the night. I woke up this morning and did my routine body checking and noticed my stomach. So I texted the friend I was with last night and he told me I b/p'ed outdoors which means I didn't fucking purge everything.  This is why I need a fucking scale!! We threw ours out cus it sucks and we're probably not going to replace it. How the fuck am I gonna see my progress?! Ugh, I'm still pissed about it.

Oh, a few days ago, I talked to Dr. Strober, the director of the ED treatment program at UCLA. When I told him I wanted treatment, he asked me if I was underweight and I immediately saw a red flag. When I told him my weight and height he said, "Oh you'll manage. You'll manage." One of the biggest myths about eating disorders is that you have to be extremely underweight.  Otherwise, you don't have an eating disorder and/or you're not sick enough.  This is such a dangerous belief because it is a big reason why sick people don't seek treatment. Someone at a healthy weight can be just as deep in his/her ed, if not more so, as someone who's severely underweight.  I had the most ed behaviors when I was at a healthy weight and most people with eating disorders are at a "normal" weight. And to hear someone so accredited say something so fucking ignorant, really infuriates me. The seriousness of eating disorders should never me minimized. Even knowing that what he said is incorrect, I still thought to myself, "I'm not sick enough. I don't need treatment. I can lose more weight." So I will not be going to that program. He makes me feel ashamed of being a UCLA graduate. 

Parents are still here and so are my urges. I'm on my 5th cup of green tea. At least I'm hydrating myself. Damn, this fibro fucking sucks right now. B/p actually help ease the pain. Oh, rationalizations.

Wow. My parents left, I went to the kitchen, and I don't have a million different things to eat in front of me. My urges are so ridiculously intense and I hope my parents come back before I can't fight them anymore. Fuck. Fuck I want to binge. How will I distract myself until they get back. Shit. I need to fucking get out.