Orange and Almonds

Sometimes I get random bursts of "this-isn't-too-hard-I-think-I-can-recover" feelings.  Like on Wednesday when the dietitian discontinued one of my daily supplements because I'm in my goal weight range.  That's 360 less calories I'm consuming every day.  Threehundredsixty.  How is goal weight range determined anyway?  I know height is one of the factors, but what else?  Can't I be at a healthy weight if my blood work comes back normal?  As I look down at my body now, I see all my hard work flushed down the drain (pun intended).  It's a loss I'm not sure I'm ready to grieve.  The "dieting" I've done for 10 years that gave me the body I wanted, has nothing to show for except psychological damage and "paper thin" enamels.  But this random burst of "this-isn't-too-hard-I-think-I-can-recover" feeling is pretty cool, I guess.

I've stayed in my eating disorder for many reasons, one being my thrill-seeking personality that led me to see how close I could get to death and live to tell about it.  For how long I could deny myself of a basic need that others seem to weakly give in to.  For how long I could have this intense and endless binge-purge-engulf-restrict battle with myself.  And it's definitely been a satisfying thrill.  Now, I kind of want to see and explore the uncharted territory of healthy, "normal" living.  That's thrill-seeking too, right?  How much weight can I gain and be accepting of my body?  How much self-care can I do to be comfortable in my skin?  How much self-exploration can I do to accept compassion from others?  These are questions that I've just recently become curious of.  I think the meds are helping me keep my head above waters in that respect.  Other days, I want to stay nestled in my familiar, much-known territory of self-loathing.  But I look down at my body today and think, "This isn't too bad."  I'm nowhere near the size I would like to be, but I know that's my eating disorder talking.  When people tell me, "You look better", "You look healthy", I cringe.  Healthy=not skinny=fat=failure.  But I think I can grow (pun not intended) to accept my physical self.  My dietitian will probably discontinue my 2nd daily supplement and eventually decrease my meal plan, then I will lose some weight and be thinner again.  That isn't the best rationalization, but it's working in my favor, so I'm going to stick with it.

I've always analogized myself in sobriety/abstinence to a new-born who just opened her eyes: scared and vulnerable, yet fascinated and curious, always in need of supervision to make sure I am safe and stable.  Seeing things a bit more in-depth than the grown-ups.  It's a weird feeling that I think I'm willing to continue sitting with.

Now, for an awesome picture: