Now that I am out of treatment, I have to begin planning. Ideally, I would like to travel and couch-surf until my heart's content, but my future will be unstable. If I get a job and live a structured set of months, I will be secure - financially, at least - but I think I will feel unsatisfied, emotionally. I want to treat myself. I want to allow myself to relax and take a mental vacation. Plans, expectations, and obligations are what brought me to my addictions in the first place. A break sounds like a good idea, but sometimes I think I'm being naive. If I live the other way - making decisions based on how they will affect my future - I feel like I will remain stuck and fearful. I've missed out on so much of life and now, I want to take advantage of and celebrate my new-found health and happiness, but would that be irresponsible/naive/impractical? Even though I wonder all this, my fear of being unstable in the future will immobilize me, which is why I have already turned in a couple job applications. I'm not unhappy with my decision because I have accepted the sad truth that we need financial stability, but I am a little bitter of having to be stuck with obligations. On the bright side, I can save up the money I make from my job and work on plan B: take classes at a community college, re-start my child-sponsorships, adopt a dog, and buy a piano.
In treatment, I felt like a newborn who just opened her eyes for the first time, and now, out of treatment, I feel like I've just learned how to walk on my own. I will be with my eating disorder for years to come, and without the help of a treatment facility to go to, I'm ready to test my strength and determination. I'm excited for what the weeks and months ahead hold for me.
